Carolina: If you're not number one, life has no meaning and Daddy doesn't love you enough.
Washington: It's okay to go through a mentally traumatic experience and loose all your friends if it means you turn into a badass in the end. Also, cars are evil.
York: If you're crushing on someone, don't let them know until you're dead and they're reading your personal files. Chicks love that lost-love crap. But don't let them know you snagged their wallet.
Wyoming: Less action, more mustaches.
Maine: You don't need to talk to be the best bad guy ever. Remain calm and growl.
North Dakota: Life is too short for everyone to take care of themselves, so help everyone out.
South Dakota: Life is too short to help anyone, save yourself.
Florida: Be good to your fellow soldiers to the point of homo-life partners, and never take aspirin.
Texas: Kick ass and steal your boyfriend's money.
Georgia: Jetpacks = Death
Counselor: Remain cryptic and let your boss push you around.
Director: I'm right, you're wrong, I'm cool, you suck. Peace out.